Earlier this year I did several interviews with several single women for a project. I asked them the #1 challenge they experience while dating. The most frequent concern I heard was a fear of losing themselves in a relationship. It’s a real concern for many women (my male clients as well) and is often cited as being based on past experiences, and one of the reasons people are leery of getting into a new relationship.
Here are the top 5 keys to finding love while still being able to be you: the magnificent, real, you.
1) Start with a commitment to being authentic.
It’s easy to blame others for losing ourselves, when in truth it is we who hand over our power in our relationships. I’m not talking about power in the traditional sense, such as the ability to manipulate others, but REAL power, the kind that empowers everyone around you to be their best self. Commit to maintaining a good relationship with yourself. Your future relationship will ultimately be healthier because of it, because all sorts of things can go awry when we lose a connection with our inner selves, and all sorts of wonderful things happen when we commit to loving and honoring ourselves, as we are.
2) Choose your partner wisely.
Find someone who makes it easy to be you. Someone who really “gets” and “sees” the real you and loves you as you are will be your best bet for long-term happiness in a relationship and will make it easy for you to be who you are.
Note about this: often I hear the fear expressed that there will be no chemistry in this type of relationship. Consider that the passion can actually be increased with someone you can be yourself around, because true intimacy – REAL intimacy – doesn’t begin until both partners begin communicating authentically. Sometimes that means saying the thing that is uncomfortable to say, or makes you feel vulnerable, and that can be challenging, but in order for someone to love the real you, they have to be able to see you as you truly are! I wrote about this in another blog post too, you can check that one out here.
Disparities in being able to accept good treatment from partners often has more to do with your own level of self love and ability to receive than anything else, so if you struggle with this, you may want to get help from a professional on this topic, as it also may be a more deeply rooted and/or hidden, subconscious issue.
The good news: it is possible to find someone who loves you for the real you AND gives you happy sensations in your body when they are in the room. I have this type of partner, and you can too; with the right mindset, tools, and willingness to do what it takes to achieve this kind of ideal relationship dynamic.
2) Set healthy boundaries.
Although boundaries can seem difficult to set at first if you’re not used to setting them, they actually provide the structure that keep a relationship functional and keep resentments from building up. Built up resentment is one of the number one reasons relationships go south, and can also rob you of your ability to relax into your natural energy, so make a commitment to healthy communication if you want a solid long-term partnership. Which brings us to the next step…
3) Ask for what you need!
There is one main habit I knew I could instill in anyone who wants an awesome relationship, it would be the ability for them to ask for what they need, plainly, in clear language, in a way that will inspire their partner to provide it. Surely, thousands of relationships would be enhanced and even saved from demise with this one habit which most of us, sadly, did not learn in childhood. Of course, there is an art to doing this correctly, so you inspire instead of alienate your partner, but it is a skill anyone can learn with a bit of practice, and the right tools.
This of course, starts with you being aware of what you need! One thing you can do, right now, to get into awareness of what you need is to write down a list of what you really want in a relationship. It’s a great first step and will also help you “sort” as you are dating.
4) Take time for you. Although it’s easy to want to spend every waking second with a lover (especially in the beginning) don’t forget to keep doing the things that make you, you. For example, although it may be tempting to skip yoga and hang out with your new beau instead, if yoga is what helps keep you sane and balanced during moments of stress, you are not doing either of you a favor by skipping out on this important part of your self-care. By maintain healthy self-care, you can show up as your best self and allow your intimacy to increase, and your partner will likely feel safer around you and fall that much more in love with you.
5) Consider that everything is not happening to you, but rather from you.
As the famous saying goes, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Energy attracts like energy, so by committing to honoring yourself, you are far more likely to attract people into your life who follow suit.
The bottom line: If you don’t diminish yourself, it will be difficult for others to do it to you.
If you take care of your self and make a commitment to loving yourself as is, and communicating clearly and authentically, others can see the real you to love the real you!
By taking the steps above and continuing to use them, you can help ensure your future or current relationship will be healthy and lasting, and that the passion will stay in tact long-term for both of you.
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